I have negative money, but that's the way it's done now, a strategic bleeding. My parents talk about the future, about skills and education. I read something yesterday that tore through me and lit me up: "The future has come and gone."
Apparently it's up to me to shore
(more) up my defenses and skills, accumulate back up plans and reserves, brace for whatever shock(waves/troops/tactics) they have waiting for us in the wings. A strange inner despondency is cultivated. My friends and brother disappoint me. They don't talk about what's real, formulating conversations that sidestep death, flashing smiles that ache for more bone-whitener. I only ever pretended to believe in the future, a house with a big picture window, kids, a terrier, a husband's forearm around my apron, and I also only ever pretended that I was going to be the kind to train in the jungle and save the world, crank the gears of history another slot forward, I'm tough but not that tough. I am waiting on my child, but I know that she won't save me, and I know that I will fail her, but hopefully that's not all I will do.(less)
