My friend Roy, on his deathbed, insisted there always will be bad guys as long as there are good guys intent on stopping them. He believed we need a new pantheon of super heroes whose powers have little use in the fight against crime. In his will, he left(more) me some ideas for this future race of warriors:
Grammar Girl. Has the power to purge any sentence of dangling prepositions and split infinitives.
Mr. Miso. Invites criminals to relax with him for a moment over a bowl of warm soup.
Telecastic. The only man in history who has never lost a guitar pick.
Clickerella. Uses a common remote-control device to turn up the sound in her home theater in order to insulate herself whenever chaos erupts outside.
No Way Man. His ability to protect himself is due entirely to cowardice:
“There’s a gang of men with nail guns mowing down everyone at
the mall. You’ve got to help us!”
It occurred to me just today
we are going in circles
and these ever-widening circles are taking us further apart
while this was never my intention
I wonder sometimes if it was yours
(more) and I'm just another notch
added to the ones who came before me
it's thoughts like this that haunt me
in the late night hours
keeping me awake and killing my sleep
doesn't matter what I do
all my imperfections come front and center
lined up in perfect order
poking me red-hot and burning
there's no avoiding the nightly parade
it's useless to try so I lie there
while my mind lies to me
with a little bit of luck
and a healthy dose of blind faith
those pitch-fork thoughts will tire and cease
letting me breathe through the dark
while waiting impatient
for another chance
and a brand new day(less)
While I haven't double checked these facts for their accuracy, I did see them in more than one place as I spent far too long surfing countless websites for useless information so they must be true. Why would they lie? People looking up these facts already have too much time on their hands and would find out the truth eventually, right?
Once, I was working up in far northern Canada--dead of wintertime, to boot: absolutely nothing but snow and ice rather than just the summertime amount of total snow and ice--and I let a guy sell me a block of ice. I knew he(more) was laughing at me, but I was laughing at him for laughing at me: that was one beautiful chunk of ice. A perfect cube, polished smooth so it reflected.
Another time, I was working way down south, in the bayou, and all I had was a fish and a bicycle, but that was OK because the fish was freshly dead and tasty, or so the locals said, and the bike had full tires, and I biked to the butcher and asked if I could pay him to clean and cook the fish for me. We settled on sharing dinner together, as payment, each of us happily, quietly picking flaky bits of white flesh from waxed-paper placemats, licking our thick fingers clean.(less)
"Face it!" he yelled, collapsing onto the couch. "Just face it, Susan! I'm useless." He sat back, frowning, trying, and failing, to conceal tears. "Can't even fucking stop myself from crying..." he muttered.
Susan had gotten far too tired of hearing Kyle constantly say how useless he was,(more) so for the past four hours she had been trying, increasingly desperately, to find something he was good at.
It wasn't going well.
She sat next to him with a sigh, and buried her face in her hands. She'd never hear the end of it if she didn't find something, fast.
"Look, I appreciate what you're doing," Kyle said, "but it just won't work. I'm completely, utterly, one hundred percent useless."
Susan, looked at him through her fingers and mumbled something into her hands. "What was that?" he asked, tilting his head. She pulled her hands down, sighed again, and repeated herself.
"Bet you'd make a good father."
"Oh right. And how are we supposed to figure that out."
Susan smiled weakly. "By finding out if you're good at kissing." Kyle blinked, taken aback, not sure what to say. She cupped his cheeks, pulled his face to hers, and kissed him deeply on the lips. He was in shock at first, but slowly he began to kiss her back.
After a while she pulled back. Kyle was breathing deeply, having no idea what he should be during in a kiss. He looked at her, confused and unsure, and slowly said, "...Well?"
Susan grinned. "Good enough to warrant a second," and pulled him back into another kiss.(less)
"You know it's useless" her voice said through the phone. "You can try to analyze and anticipate all of the options and outcomes for this and the only thing you're going to do is make yourself crazy."
I had called lynn needing both a place to(more) voice my frustrations and have a safe place to get some feed back.
"I know." I responded with a long suffering sigh. "I try to tell myself that but there are just so many components to be concerned about. They're like a house of cards and if one of them isn't stacked right then they all are going to blow up on me."
She chuckled, " you need to trust your self more. You have an amazing intuition and I know the stuff with your old friends hasn't helped how you feel about moving forward, but I know that not everyone is going to respond the way they did. You need to just believe in yourself and know that when the time is right you'll be able to work through this."
I sat quietly after I hung up the phone and thought of her words. I tried to take comfort in them, but still felt frustrated. Once I've made a decision about something I want to act on it, but at the same time I get afraid of what the effects might be. In the end I just feel frustrated annoyed and useless.
“This is wrong. This is exactly what they have warned me about. I know what this is and I will not have it!” She paced back and forth. She would have gone out walking, but it was storming. So she was trapped under the overhang between the house and(more) the garage.
“I will not allow myself to continue this madness. This is completely stupid. I will not continue to feel like this.” I had read about it in books, been told about it by people. I had even seen it in some of my friends. I had spoken with one about it that felt the same way that I did about life. She talking about how it was shit because it made her feel girly and she was writing poetry. Poetry! My god. I would have to hurt myself if I started writing poems about it. And she talked about how she actually cried. It was terrible.
I wasn’t watching where I was pacing, and before I knew it I had slammed my foot against the table that was there under the overhang. Slowly I hopped my way over to the wicker couch and sat down with a sigh. “It’s useless.” I whispered and relaxed to listen to the rain and think about this new feeling. Then I giggled. “Maybe I should try my hand at a love poem, huh?”(less)
But what of it, I thought? What would it matter if something so useless was simply destroyed. It didn't make sense. Then it hit me. He needed it to kill Joshua! I got up, and started running. I didn't know where he was for sure, but I thought I(more) might have a pretty good idea.(less)
Stupid useless pen! It can't even write! It won't open either so I can't just fill it with ink! Man, I spent 300 dollars on this piece of junk! And it can't even write anything! I don't think this is even a real pen, it can't write and there's(more) nowhere to refill it with ink! Argh! Why did I let my friends talk me into buying this pen! It does nothing except flash a light when I push a button on it. The light is all it can do and it can't even do that well. The light isn't very strong and it's just this weird blueish color that you'd only find in CSI episodes! Why would anyone think this pen was worth 300 dollars? Man, I could've bought a 3DS with that money or something but NOOOO I had to get this stupid pen! It's so useless it doesn't even work!
Hey, wait a minute...when I shine the light on my paper, it reveals the words I actually wrote! Oh my gosh, this is an invisible ink pen! That's so cool! Totally worth the money!
Wait, what's that? A guy in a well-dressed suit? What does he want? What??? Aliens are destroying the Earth?? The secret code is written in invisible ink? I know! I'll use my pen to decode the message!
It's got their one weakness on it! Invisible Ink Pen light makes them dissolve? Okay then! Better get my conveniently giant magnifying lens to amplify the sound and destroy the aliens!
And that's how I saved the world with my 300 dollar, not-useless, invisible ink pen.(less)