Abilify could change my life
or was it Lamictal?
I'm not supposed to know their candy names
and just watch the screen....
The man just outside the party,
(more) the woman burrowed into bed,
another who can't even take her dog out,
and then, because in TV land, the pill transforms
they are transformed.
The man is in the party--
they like him now,
in the party,
talking. Somehow Abilify has made him
a side effect?
The woman, risen from her bed
now walks bravely
on a sidewalk with a friend.
Abilify can find you friends too.
It's even made an unhappy dog happy
because now his mother is happy
and throwing the ball for him
I'm watching on the big screen,
my housemate's plasma TV in our living room.
I forget for a moment I'm on Abilify,
and think oh if only I could be on Abilify,
I'd feel better than the drug I'm on,
then I remember I'm on Abilify.
The next commercial is for The Five Hour Energy Drink,
"the stuff that makes you feel better and
helps you to get things done."
I think I should just got off Abilify
and on The Five Hour Energy Drink.
Then Andie Macdowell comes on,
selling an anti-aging cream.
Isn't she my age? Air-brushed and glowing,
she looks like she's on Abilify
and The Five Hour Energy Drink.
Marshmellowed into a white down comforter,
I suddenly feel worse than before.
When my show returns
which is not about Abilify, The Five Hour Energy Drink
or Andie Macdowell but about death,
I am comforted,
the way the depressed,
even the situationally depressed,
are always comforted
because it feels right somehow,
that the world
be upside down.
[older narrator voiceover]:
In a world... of diets, workouts, exercise machines, pills, surgery, and more... normal people JUST like you struggle to Lose Weight. Other workouts are either celebrities lining their pockets, are just too hard, or don't get you to your goals or aren't any fun. And mo(more)st don't even help you battle the vampire scourge.
[cue crescendo and upbeat music change]
Well, You've tried the rest now invest in the best!
[younger upbeat narrator]
Introducing the amazing new DIE-BO! A complete diet, workout, equipment and motivation system. DIE-BO! combines unique martial arts and cardio workout! a nutritional supplement packet! specially-blessed vampire-fighting workout gear! and the very specific and real threat of death if you don't lose weight!!
[zoom in on graphic/chart]
You see, DIE-BO isn't just a practical workout video and self-defense plan - the personal trainers, doctors, priests and venture capitalists that developed DIE-BO have specially-bred vampires that visit your home after 6 weeks. If you haven't lost at least 10 pounds weight, they'll remove it from you (in blood or flesh), GUARANTEED!
And that's not all - if after 12 weeks you haven't hit your goal weight, your vampire will personally come to kill you!!
[cut to actor playing typical customer]
"Now, THAT's some GREAT motivation!" [his jogging companion nods knowingly]
[upbeat narrator + sciencey facts bulletpointed]
Most people know that extra weight can kill you, slowly with Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Other Obesity Related Problems. We all know that if we don't diet and exercise we'll die eventually...
But new DIE-BO takes the guessing and waiting right out!
If you commit to the DIE-BO system, I personally swear you'll have the skills and speed to kill that vampire on week 12! GUARANTEED!
Call now for our special offer - FOUR wooden stakes for $19.95!!(less)