Doing things the easy way has never been my style. Sure, there are times where I'm an extremely lazy procrastinator, and there have been instances where I've claimed to have bullshitted some homework assignments here and there, but the truth is, I can't spend less than two hours on(more) one assignment unless it is ridiculously easy. My watercolor paintings take at least four months, with a minimum of one hundred hours put into each of the minute details. This trigger itself will easily take me over an hour, when it shouldn't even require half.
The teachers and counselors who diagnosed me with learning disabilities said to not do as much work as the other students, calling for accommodations and special classes. They pitied me, making me out to be a disabled, defenseless girl who lacked the skills needed to function in our society. This was what I found to be unacceptable, and this was what awakened something in me: the burning need to try harder and push my limits, the desire to prove them and anyone else who dared to belittle me wrong.
This is how it always has been, and this is how it always shall be.
Already behind. Trying to catch up.
"This is supposed to be difficult, so just take it easy."
But can't you see? I can't "just take it easy".
I'll just keep pushing forward.
(more) "Don't push yourself too hard!"
This isn't too hard. I'm fine.
"I can see that you're tired, you should sleep."
Please. Get out of my way.
"Don't go to school tomorrow. Rest."
I'll ask once more. Get out of my way.
Despite my motivation, I lose track of time, my focus wanders, I pay more attention to little details that don't matter, and I make stupid little mistakes that I know better than to make. And the things that I don't understand become a haunting broken record player in my mind.
Hours spent staring at a single problem. Hours spent staring at a blank page trying to figure out how to start. If I didn't have a time limit, I could work on a test forever.
These are the things that people don't understand. They won't unless they experience it themselves.
And the worst part is that there is so much time wasted like this. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do to take this seriously, it always ends up the same way.
So why do I push myself this hard? Why do I try so hard? Why do I spend these hours and days on these projects that seem so unimportant?
Because I have to prove myself. Not to my parents, not to my friends, not to my teachers, but to me. I have to know that I'm not the one who will forever be trapped like this. I have to know that I will eventually break free.
So please. Don't get in my way. I'm going to just keep trying harder.(less)