As I began to come to consciousness, my eyes opened to a white and gray blur. My other senses began to pick up details of the room. The loud beeping beside me, the biting smell of disinfectant, and the rough texture of a paper gown against my rear.
My vision began to clear and focus, and I saw the fine lines of a white cloth mesh. My eyes were wrapped in gauze. My face, however, was free of any bandages.
I heard the door open and the gust of wind of someone excitedly rushing in. "Hello, Mr. Connors! How are you feeling?" It was Dr. Johnson, the best optical surgeon in the state.
"I'm uh, feeling a bit...disoriented."
He chucked. "That's a natural response to this sort of, well, unnatural surgery. Now, we won't entirely know the success until we remove the bandages from your hands, so I'm bringing Stacy in right now to get these suckers off!"
I heard someone else enter the room. After a few minutes, I felt the pressure begin to release from my palms as the bandages were unrolled. I could make out faint outlines through the bandages as they became more transparent, until finally, the bandages were off, and I was staring up at my fingertips.
"Mr Johnson, what do you see?"
I felt a strange combination of relief and nausea. "I can see...my fingers. And you. And nurse Stacy."
"Excellent!" The doctor clapped his hands together and a large grin spread across his face.
"Now, lets go over some minor details. Your eyes are still gentle since we've saved them from the damage, so no heavy lifting for a few weeks. Afterwards, you'll have to wear eyepatches when lifting. Obviously, any bicycle or motorbike riding is out of the question..."(less)
Where can I
See to the other side?
Why won't you come help me....?
Lost, my only hope
Is to find you.
(more) Where have you gone?
Scratching endlessly at the marks
I believe are there,
Driven deeper and deeper.
Ghost of a shell,
Madness comes of which prevails,
The shadows I cannot grasp,
I desperately tear
To no avail.(less)
The doctor told me squinting was no longer an option. I told him that I wanted to see another doctor to see if maybe it was, still.
Look Mr. Milton, he said, looking me over, you can't see. You can't see you can't see, frankly.
I closed my eyes,(more) put my hand to my forehead. I imagined the wrinkles there, my fingerprints touching but leaving no trace. I remembered myself at 25, reading the newspaper over another subway rider's shoulder. I sat up and told the doctor Why not surgery? Lasers will light my way!
He stared at me. You're too thin, he said.
I peered down at my abdomen. My belly button disagrees with you, I replied.
No no, he shook his head. He took off his glasses. It's not that. It's your cornea. It's too thin. It's risky. Lasik surgery, for you - he mimed a crystal ball - the outlook is unfavorable.
I said I don't like glasses while he simultaneously said You don't like glasses. You always see them as half empty, he added.
We considered each other for a minute.
I'll think about it.
Stop thinking. Start seeing. Save yourself and save the world. He held out the referral to the optometrist.
I grabbed my coat. I walked out. I would be fine. I could read the signs, if I just wanted it badly enough.(less)
I knew it was getting bad once the words left my lips.
"Why do they call it a green light when it's so clearly blue?"
(more) Mom set up an appointment for me; I wasn't too bothered by it as my eyes had started giving me a headache anyway.
I stared at letters lit up on a screen, followed a light flashing in front of my eyes, and looked for numbers in a blob of color dots. The doctor numbed my eyes with eye drops - the first time I had ever used eye drops - and checked the pressure for cancer.
I have a perfect right eye. 20/20.
My left eye is terrible. 20/45.
I have a slight depth perception problem. I now understand why I have always hated 3D movie glasses.
Also, unless it's pure green to yellow green, I see it as blue. My Tiffany box isn't as blue as I thought. Peridot gem is more emerald than aquamarine. Intersection lights are actually red, yellow, and green.
But maybe the lights should be blue. After all, wouldn't it make more sense just to use the primary colors?(less)
The ley lines of kind eyes,
a common link, placed for discovery,
something screams ecstatically from the inside,
Screaming ecstatically in a silent-heart tongue,
We fail to see it,
must be happening,
is finally happening,
find the meaning,
in void itself, find it.
For Nothing is scarier to our unripened souls
than scrambling for a reason, a purpose.
I must have lost it all while I was blinking.
Quick, pity me before I'm found again.
My attachment is too afraid I will neglect it,
is too attached,
It takes a world to ease this pain,
A world to cause it.
I used to know,
and then I felt,
and now I am.
Bioluminescent rats watch me curiously,
fingers frantically finding futility,
they listen to the melodic compilation of tap-tapping, lap-topping,
low windchimes gong-going-gong-gooning,
they are my spirit guides.
Beckoning for me to follow them into dew-ridden grass canopies,
out, out, away from my ridiculous sorrow,
my persistent ego's foolish journey,
But I can't see where they've gone because there's sleep in my eyes
and their robes are too expensive.(less)