She died almost a year ago. It's been rough and nothing I do has eased the pain of the loss we all suffered. Look, I understand I need, no I have to get over it. I can see people thinking, judging. Their eyes speak as loud as words as(more) they read the general sadness in my voice, move on and live life. It's what she would want, it's what you need. They speak as if I don't already know. Easier said than done, as the saying goes.
But what they have to understand is that I lost a piece of my life. Someone I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to so soon. Someone who was suppose to be there on my wedding day and me her's. I lost one of the only people I ever trusted completely so to tell me to just get over it burns my blood.
It's all firsts for the family, this pain.
Every celebration that's come to past was just another reminder to us that she's not here. Halloween, Christmas, Birthdays all firsts without her. I don't know how to cope and I don't know who to talk to.
I've been strong for the family and it's taking it's toll. I'm cracking under the weight I've chosen to bear. I'm tired, I'm broken, and they can all tell but I'm giving them strength to carry on. I'm their warmth; I'm lighting the way at the cost of my sanity.
And to top it all off I can only distrust. All those useless words "We're like family", "I got your back", "I'll be there for you, man."
I was deserted when I needed them most. Friends, the family you get to choose. Looks like I chose wrong and need to get over that too.(less)