It happens after you realize that you were not enough, have never been enough, and will likely never be enough. It is who you are. Not enough. Not enough to be supportive, though you pour your time and energies into always being there. Not enough to be kind, though(more) you give every ounce of it in your body way. Not enough to be included, though people don't exclude you after you've pushed your way in and included yourself. Not enough to be talented, though you have skills and try your best.
It happens when you realize what you are not, what everyone else is not. You live on a carousel of thoughts, running in circles to a off-tune music box that's cheerful in the light of day and haunting when lit by moonbeams. Your mind rotates through the finger pointing, the whys, the hows. Never ceasing, never slowing. You can't get off the ride, and no one else can join. It's desperate, gnawing hunger for answers and chipped paint tainting the picturesque scene. (less)
In English Composition, we were given an assignment to write about our family and how we saw them. This was many (I won't tell how many) years ago.
I decided to do it in a style of Dian Fossey - watching from a distance my "family group".
I am the only girl, you see. I think I witnessed the missing link in my teenage brothers.
Feeding time - grabbing and pushing for the food in the middle of the table. If one's reach got too close to the collected food pile of the other's, a type of primeval growl and a sharp angry exchange would briefly take place. Ending quickly due to the preoccupation of food.
Chores - accomplished in a manner unfit for anyone outside the family group to witness. Wearing only underwear and scratching, inappropriately.
Because of the high testosterone levels, fights could break out at any given time. Chests puffed, teeth bared and grunting swings. The victor would often be the one to leave the group briefly, while the loser finished the chores.
The male species seem to demand a certain distance from other members. Farting was the technique used to obtain the needed space between them. At times even attacking with flatulence. Holding another down to do this. The needed privacy would then be obtained. The smell would ward off other enemies as well!
Every day was the same. Eating, farting, scratching and fighting. Around and around like a carousel of behavior. I even could predict when each behavior would occur.
Despite the retched smell, fighting and chaos of having four brothers... I quote Ms Fossey - “I feel more comfortable with gorillas than people. I can anticipate what a gorilla's going to do, and they're purely motivated.” Yes. There is no place like family.