You have become a person you promised yourself you'd never be. You drew yourself a cozy perimeter, nestled uncomfortably within the jagged, interlocking edges of those around you. You told yourself you must trust, so you did not build walls. Then you let those lines become blurred by the(more) cut and thrust of the world. You don't know what you are anymore.
You taught yourself to operate under a system of rules that does not allow for hard truths and head-on confrontations. They do not live this way. Not always. You trust others to see what you see. But they can't or choose not to. So you yield, again and again. Because you think you can survive it, and you think they can't.
The borders you drew up were a form of self-preservation. To protect the 'you' that you deemed valuable and essential. That assumption may not be correct. The space to which you staked your claim may not belong to you. True, you are the space, but that does not make 'you' yours. We do not live in isolation. We are sand intermingling. We belong to each other in a thousand little pieces.
This is how it appears to you, from the balcony of a crumbling parapet in your shrinking kingdom. But this too may be wrong.
Perhaps you martyr yourself. Perhaps you take from others more than you realize. None among us can ever truly escape the bounds of this our body, or truly inhabit the body of another. These are things we are not allowed to know. All we can do is hurt. Ourselves, others. And often both at the same time. (less)