It's what my words did to this poor page. My mind feels like a thick morass of rot and waste, and I dredge it all up, scrape the place to its tired core, and smear the thick festering mess of it across this clean white hell, like snot on a(more) high school bathroom wall.
When I look at this page, I see a well.
We throw our words down the hole and wish them godspeed, we pile our thoughts one on top of another, forming thick layers of sediment. Like a core sample of you, and me, with little bits and flecks of everyone we know.
Before I start writing, I stare at the empty space, like the mouth of a cave, and wonder what it might hold. I want it to be something amazing. Some vast treasure or some sleeping titan. But it can only ever be what I put there.(less)
I'm trying here.
I am fighting against impulsion to delete everything I've written here.
Why do I love to write?
(more) I use to be semi-good.
My own opinion notwithstanding.
I wrote two-hundred pages of crap recently.
As I was writing I thought, "This is going to be great."
I know full well it wouldn't be published or even publishable. Its a good thing that my hard-drive crashed and I lost it all. The computer did the inevitable. Saved me the trouble. Thank you, Apple.
I punctuate as if its an addiction :;,.!"" Help me! I love apostrophes! Oh! And brackets! Ellipsis all day long, baby! And ~. Come to Mama, you little ~!
I took a hiatus from this site. I couldn't stand what I've been putting out there for everyone to see. Lack of talent galore. But...I had to come back. I had to. Don't you see? I'm troubled. I keep repeating the same task over and over with the same lack of result. Isn't that the definition of insanity?
Ideas keep coming though. I type the stories out. But the idea is muddied. Maybe if you could hear me read it, it would be clearer to you.
I can't stand having all these stories in my head when there is no talent/education/knowhow to release it. There is so much pressure up there. You know?
I see the stories like a movie. You know?
Winona Ryder and Sean Penn star in -
The Summer Of '76.
Him: An abusive aging alcoholic.
Her: A depressed housewife anxiously holding onto her sanity.
Sounds interesting? Yeah? If only I could write it.