My therapist tells me to start dating. He says I need to mix it up a little more. Put myself out there. "You'll never know if you have feelings for someone," he says, "unless you actually try to get to know them." It makes sense. I know he's right.(more) And I also know I can't do that.
I'm stuck on someone else, and meeting new people is supposed to help me dislodge myself from that hangup. But I can't commit to a relationship in good faith when I know my heart's not really in it. It just feels dirty. Like I'm using this other person as a wire framework upon which I might be able to plaster the shattered pieces of myself back in place.
The self I am now is not the self I want to be. And so neither is it the self I want people to know. If they like me as I am now, then they're liking a person I don't want to be. You can't build a relationship on something like that.
I don't want to commit to a new relationship because I'm not invested. Not invested in her, in people in general, or in this whole god damned planet anymore. I gave all of myself to someone once. I can't do it again, even if I wanted to. There isn't enough of me left to be worth giving.
You can't bake a cake without breaking a few eggs, they say. Fuck them for saying that. We're not talking about eggs. We're talking about human emotions. And I refuse to spread this disease of anxious malaise to a long line of unwitting strangers when I know they'd be a lot happier if they never met me. (less)
She looked down to the streets below, cars rushed past, people sidestepped out of each others way in annoyance.
(more) "I don't think this is such a good idea," she looked at the small man in front of her, his clothes were tattered and his hands the type of grey that only comes with age, maybe even wisdom, though she was doubtful.
"I see you doubt me," he winked at her, "but you agreed, to get what you want, you must have faith."
He waved his hand over the street below as if it was merely an illusion, a screen of moving pictures. She thought she could even see ripples in the air, but that couldn't be true.
The suit jacket she was wearing flapped dangerously in the wind, and she felt the cold air bristle across her knees. "This is ridiculous," she thought, "Why did I leave my office to come up here?"
"Because you believe me," he answered.
"Now, you might believe me even more. I know you've been dreaming about it. The flight. I even know what happened last time. I know you survived."
She looked down again, it couldn't be true - had that all happened. The fall, the moment it felt like floating, like she was a feather in the wind. Could she really do it again?
"Of course you can;" he smiled.
"Maybe I can;" she stepped onto the side of the building.
"All in good faith;" he said, holding her hand.
She felt the air rushing around her, the street pulling towards her so fast, then suddenly it slowed. Time slowed down, and she found herself in the air - in charge. She could she him above, he smiled.
She was lost, just like every other teenage girl. She wanted to think she was different, she was more lost than others, she had it harder than all the rest but she didn't and she knew she didn't. Every Monday through Friday from 7:15 to 2:00 she'd go to(more) school and she'd pray maybe someone would notice her and she'd come home dissappointed no one noticed her.
She couldn't wait for the weekend so she could live with the people who enjoyed her company. There were four of them, every weekend they'd go to the city and party till they couldn't party no more. She felt that it made her feel like she found herself. She found herself as she sallowed down a fire like liquid and inhaled a harsh puff of smoke, she was finding the girl she lost during the week. Her friends would tell her, "One more shot!" "Cheers to the weekend!" "OMG! I LOVE YOU!" And during the weekend she did love them but where did they go during the week? Did they go and hide under rocks or did they run to Mexico and they couldn't text or call her back because they didn't want it to cost money?
Soon, the weekend was over and she was back in school. She was surrounded my brick walls and offwhite classrooms with desks that were neat and orderly and kids who did their work. This morning she didn't pray to be noticed, it stopped feeling worth it. So, she sat down at her normal desk in third period and soon a girl sat next to her. The girl looked at her and smiled. "What's your name?" She asked, chewing her gum. She had faith that maybe she could be noticed on a Monday-Friday. (less)
We are born with a clean slate; completely wiped clear and given to us. What we do with it is ours: we can either let the things in life bring us down or let it take over. We are all given a chance to live life, equally.
Fall back asleep
And forget the pain of yesterday.
Fall back asleep
And avoid the pain of today
But you must wake up and face the day
So you can go back asleep later
(more) And forget the pain of of what will be yesterday
That is today(less)
This mic is my weapon
my emotions are bullets
every rhyme is a trigger
my hearts the one that pulls it
(more) i am aiming at rappers
but the beat is the victim
she got no silencer
when im sticking my clip in (Ha!) (less)
i like her
she is beautiful and she has a good personality
but she is not the one for me
she constantantly leaves the toilet bowl open even after taking a dump
uses my toothbrush
and drools on the pillow
and with my ocd it doesnt workout(more) in good faith i have to leve her before the breakup gets more painful(less)
I've never been a proponent of good faith. You can never tell how someone will swing and if the bastard is sour, there's no use. It's like a shooter of frustration after a pint of absinthe; its better to leave it in the bottle.
Phantom laughed bitterly. Good faith. Faith never seemed to work for him. Not now, not ever. He had faith in his and Aria's relationship. In Freud's survival. In the tiny chance that he and Luminous could be friends. And, yet(more) again, all of them had failed. Aria never loved him like he did her. Freud ended up passing away, and being little less than a spirit. And Luminous...
Hah. Luminous probably hated him. It all made sense, right?
Phantom had the worst luck out of all of them. He always gained distrust, and it was exceptionally hard for him to make friends. It was just who he was. He was born an untrustworthy individual, with awkward mannerisms, different tendencies and otherworldly values, it was hard to get along with him.
It was hard for him to get along with people, if his relationship with Luminous said anything.
But really, either way, he'd be alone. After all, thieves never meant to stay for so long. If he stayed, he'd end up hurt and lost and everyone around him would be worse off. So, perhaps, it was a good thing that he had no one to care about him.
Well, except the crew of the Lumiere, but they were all quite formidable fighters, and they knew how to keep the ship from being wrecked. The Lumiere was one of the most hi-tech establishments in Maple World, after all. He was confident that they'd be okay without him.
Even when his '96 Honda Accord Sedan crushed the rear of a large station wagon carrying a newborn on her way home from the hospital, Joey trusted Him. The 8 seconds of internal bleeding weren't enough to shatter such a sacred pact.
The(more) Covenant kept his sanity intact. Those short moments of hysteria, when a car would make a sudden stop in front of him, or when a baby wailed in a crowded restaurant, were always followed by a gratifying response of certainty. Praise, in good faith!
Joey often pictured the infant, motionless and limb, rising up to Heaven. Life, confiscated by a Father far wiser than His children. We should all be so lucky.