Dear Sir and/or Madame,
This letter is to inform you that I am returning this Life.
I'm unsatisfied with the product I've been given and I demand an immediate refund.
While I understand in theory that there is no guarantee of a Happy-Ever-After, I was not informed of th(more)e possibility of a Happy-Never-Ever.
This is completely unacceptable.
While I have never fallen victim to the whole Bait-and-Switch thing before, I am now devastated to find that my entire Life has been nothing more than the Mother of all Bait-and-Switches.
And I really hate crying so I want my money back.
I have followed all the instructions I was given since the day I became me,but that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow has yet to be found.
I've run out of patience.
You can't change the rules mid-play.
Certain things are not done in polite society,this being one of them.
I am now crying Foul.
You will find my Life enclosed in the empty grape jelly jar I've sent with this letter.
Contents may settle under pressure. Regardless of weight you are getting back exactly what you have given me, nothing.
Actually,if you look at it logically,you are getting more than you've given me,you,at the very least,are getting a jelly jar.
There is no disputing this claim.
Be aware that I am prepared to take this to the Supreme Court if need be.
I believe my rights are covered under the Commerce Clause (Article I, Section 8,Clause 3).
If it makes you feel better, nobody really understands what the Commerce Clause actually means.
But I still want my money back.
Any cost associated with this transaction will be paid for by the Federal Government.
The Girl Formally Known As Me(less)
"I don't know the last four digits of the social."
"Well, we need the last four digits of the social security number to prove that you are allowed to make changes to the account."
"I'm not allowed--I'm not looking--Look, okay, it isn't my account. It isn't--I just(more) keep getting this bill okay? Every month. And it's billed to my address, but it isn't me, and I want you to stop sending this bill."
"I'm sorry Ms. McKee but--"
"I'm not Ms. McKee! That's what I'm telling you! I'm a--I'm a dude! This isn't my bill!"
"If it isn't your bill, then soon it will go to collections, and you will stop receiving correspondence from us."
"You mean I'll start receiving correspondence from the collection agency?"
"Well, yes, yes, but--"
"Just stop sending the bill! Or send the bill to a different address."
"I'll need the last four digits of the social security number to change the billing address."
"Of course you will. God, I've still got four more months on this lease. That's four more months of getting this bill with her name on it."
"I'm sorry, sir, but why is this bothering you so?"
"McKee... McKee was my ex-fiance's name."
"Well, sir, if you can just have your ex-fiance call us with the last four digits of her social, then--"
"No. It's not her bill. She was Sarah, this is like Olga or something. It's just--every month--just when I'm really feeling like I'm moving on, I get a note in my mailbox with her name on it saying she owes... I just... I don't want... Nothing. Nevermind. Nothing."
"Thank you for calling, sir, I'm sorry I wasn't able to solve your problem today. Is there any other way with which I can be of service today?"