My head is above water at last. With every breath the oxygen tastes like honey and I'm breathing, I'm breathing, I'm breathing after so long. What once felt like drowning now is a million miles away. That clenching pulse in my stomach, the one that burned tears into my(more) eyes, that told me I was alone and forsaken, that ugly blackness has finally emerged into the most glimmering light.
As I drift away into an ocean breeze I think to myself: I am happy. I am human. I am whole and alive and breathing and living. Things that once seemed impossible, improbable, a daydream, now they are in me and growing like flowers reaching up to that hot sweet sun.
I feel such bliss not only deep inside myself but all around me. I see humans walking around speaking to each other, living and existing and growing and smiling. I feel a love profoundly in my heart, radiating out all around me. A child playing on a park, a dog being walked, two people waling in tandem smiling ear to ear.
It is as if all that I once thought was lost is now golden and radiant and streaming out in the most beautiful array of colors and sounds and sights. Blackness has become colors. Life has transformed from an exercise in tragedy to a blessing in love. As brief as it is, I am here and I have known love and I have tasted a bliss so divine is defies words.
Every day is a gift. Every day is a treasure. I am emerging out into a world where love is sifted among the grains of the universe. Where hearts join and kindness reigns and all those sad moments someone existed to bring me here, to make me free. (less)
I was struggling. For so long now, I had been juggling, it had worked, my arms were tired, but the balls were still in the air. Now, for the first time I felt that there was a danger that one of them would drop. If one dropped, then the probability was that(more) they would all follow..... It was not hard at first. In fact, it was kind of fun. Having a secret life was a welcome break from the hum drum of my monotonous routine. Work, home, telly, bed, work sometimes punctuated by the odd indian take away or night on the town with the girls. This was all before Thomas stepped into my life. By opening the door for Thomas, little did I expect that his life would also come rushing in, without even being invited. Thoma's life did not think to take off it's muddy boots on entering, nor did it respect the relative order or my life. Well, that was my life before. Now, I was struggling to keep my own head above water. I did not realise that Thomas had a family, and by the time I did, I had already fallen for him and hard. He had ensnared me like an ivy vine, finding ways to infiltrate even between the cement between my bricks. Now he wanted to leave her, wanted to give up his so called mundane job and to live with me. He wanted me to bankroll this dramatic move, so that we could be together. He had been starting to talk about me meeting his children, taking them on holiday with him. It had all escalated too fast and I felt it was going too fast for me to jump off.(less)