please take back your heart
no, really, i don't want it
it hurts me too much
after i get it
it always seems to turn out
(more) that i don't want it
i don't want it but
this feeling inside of me
just won't go away
I stopped using on April 1st and now it's next years May. When I put the pipe down and said I was done, my friends thought it was an April fools joke. I told them it wasn't and that they weren't my friends. But it almost gave me an out and I(more) think if I picked that pipe back up I would still be doing it today. But I was done. Of course, every addict has said 'I'm done' a thousand times. But here I am a year later still fighting the cravings and the peer pressure and the sleepless nights and the people, the places, and the things, those little things that start my bones buzzing and shorten my breath. But I haven't picked up a drug since that night and I think it's because I started to write. I didn't think I had much to say, but I've been through an experience that most people don't usually come through sane, let alone alive, and can now use this experience, to inform, and to warn, and maybe even break some stereotypes about addicts. I'm going to write that addicts are born with a demon. That they never said 'I want to be an addict when I grow up'. That they have to go through the whole process of experimentation, abuse, addiction, rock-bottom, recovery, abstinence, and redemption in order to defeat that demon and live. Some make it through alive and sane, a lot don't. But there is no short cut for an addict. But there's hope and I'm going to write and show that it's possible. So no, I don't want it. I want to write instead.
I don't want it, but they want me to take it, and I can't get away from them. They move exactly the same speed as me, that damn thing wailing in their hands. It's a dead end, so I throw myself over the railing. I break the fall with an elbow and(more) break my arm in turn. They all land and move to keep the same distance between us. Someone is screaming.
Police run onto the scene and are ignored. An officer grabs one of them and vanishes. They pull out guns and start shooting. The bullets vanish. The shots that miss shatter windows and bounce off walls.
Things pause. I don't feel any pain. One of them hunches next to me, the damn thing in hand.
"You promised to take it."
I look away. The broken glass forms an interesting landscape from my viewpoint on the ground.
"It's yours. Take it and everything will be over."
I reach out my good arm and cradle the damn thing. Things start back up - they are gone, and my son wails in my arms.
He was doing it again. Or... doing it more, since he always had a perpetual grin on his face. It made the professor arch a brow and leer. "What are you looking at? Besides the obvious?"
"Ehehn heh, oh, you know..." His eyelashes fluttered in place of his(more) eyes shifting, and he glanced over his shoulder back at a magnificent double-breasted long-coat adorning a model form near the front of the store.
"...Okay...?" Did Kai want one for himself? He usually bought specially tailored versions of Altelier Boz's new line, just because of his wiry body type. But if that were the case, he would've added it to his arm pile already. The professor narrowed his gaze. "Don't."
"But I saw that gleam in your eye~"
"You're about to see red." Specter growled. "Don't you dare get me that."
"But you want it~"
"..." Yes, it was a super sexy ensemble and he really wanted it. "Yeah, but I don't need it. Winter's over, it's just going to sit in my closet and gather dust."
"Now now, we can just go visit Reen-san. England's always rainy and chilly."
"It's $450. I don't want it that badly." This was definitely under that 'I'll-buy-it-myself-because-I-have-pride' sort of things.
"Should we get midnight blue or inverse alabaster~?"
"I said don't, ya damn bastard." He was really going to have to just choke him then and there.
"Oh come now, Specter-tan, I didn't get you anything for special for White Day~ let me make it up to you."
"You imported German chocolate directly for White Day, wasn't that enough?"
"Kusu, of don't be silly, that was just an afterthought. This will be for real." He selected the professor's size off the racks in the two opposing colors. "Saa、dochira ga~?"