There's a stack of hatboxes on my monstrous built-in shelf in my bedroom that are empty. They are off-white and flimsy and my cats sometimes climb the shelf (in ways too terrifying to describe) and sit next to the stack like guardians of some Mayan ruin.
(more) I feel deep inadequacy and a growing desperation at my inability to put things where they ostensibly belong. One website that aims to advise on decluttering declares: "Find a home for each of your things!" and I suppose my problem is that I have not found a home and am matriarch to a hundred orphaned trinkets.
There will be a day when I will call the Diabetic Clothesline and they will pick up bags and bags of things, and a day when my counter tops are gleaming and breathing again, and a day when all lamp shades rest on their lamp bodies, and there will be a day when I have no one to sleep beside after making my opiate cocktail but that day I will leave behind a meticulous apartment and I won't feel regret, I will feel like a graduate, like someone finally part of life, not someone descending, descending, descending. (less)
The pregnancy club. That's what we are now, I guess. My blonde angel friend and her smoothies and her hiking up her jeans and her eczema on her arms. I am nauseous all the time, leaning on sinks, slamming bathroom stall doors, staring at plastic wrapped lollipops in vending(more) machines, knocking on doors in hallways with carpets that are steeped in chemicals.
My mother bought me a little succulent when she visited, and we sat across from each other by the window of a cafe and she was crumbling two cookies simultaneously on her plate and I said I had to read an article in the Economist, and we both said nothing for a while and she seemed to be ok with it and anyway, she wouldn't be surprised, she doesn't know me, she thinks I am scattered, well, I am, and she thinks I am dithering, well, I am not. (less)
i told him his eyes look like mossy wet stones on the edge of a river. because they do. the first time i met him i wanted to say, "you look nothing like your pictures". i was drunk on sparkling wine and sake and rich people smiling and walking(more) places on tv. i stood in the middle of his bare living room. it smelled like clorox. the carpet was thin. i pulled out a bottle of wine. "i brought some malbec". he said, "oh, no, that's okay". we lay down on his bed. he went to the bathroom. i saw a 12-step book on his night table and felt like i'd done something wrong by seeing it. i lay down flat on the bed again. the walls were painted black. it smelled like sanitizer. (less)
"like a little wounded bird in the forest at twilight. that's what you sound like."
i gotta tell you, that dead eyes thing was funny until our last night together when i told you to leave and that silence between us while we were both still lying ther(more)e naked stretched into something grotesque and i thought that maybe you would choke me or beat me so i got out of bed and put on pants and looked at you and my heart was beating through my throat and then you got up and then you put on clothes and then you left and i got back into bed, trying to breathe and soothe myself with the thought that i would never see you again. (less)
i choose sherry and disco balls. why not? balloons, maybe. they said whatever i want. i choose sherry and disco balls and balloons and delicious things wrapped in other things. i've pulled up my socks, stupid pink socks, but i like them. i think they're going to have a(more) banner. i think there will be some kind of ... they renovated the basement. my nurse said that flowers here wilt fast because of the fluorescent light. her name is nancy and she chews pink gum. yesterday she gave me a palm sized notebook with "queen b" embossed on the cover. (less)
i want to get my toenails baked. that's what it is, that's what i need. to pay money to a small asian person to fuss over my nails. no, i don't know. i just said that.
i've been thinking about bananas.
(more) i've been thinking about not walking away from my computer when the page is half empty.
i've been thinking about what it is with me and flowers withering around me in record time.
wolves die when they're not even old or sick. they don't have to go there. they peace out before that. they know to call it quits before it gets real bad. (less)
my mouth agape. droplets, water droplets. forehead soaked, lips wet. the rain makes it quiet inside my head. he told me to stand here, to wait here. he told me to wear a dress, no coat. i don't know why i do what he tells me to do but(more) i do. but i'm a feminist. but i do as i'm told. (less)