Whatever. It has become my slogan over the last few years. There's not enough money in the budget to give you a raise right now. Your wife has been cheating on you. I'm leaving you for another man. The kids are failing out of school. All of them. (more) I think you are developing a drinking problem. They are going to fire you. That guy is towing your car away. You don't take care of yourself anymore. Don't you wash your clothes? Your house has gone into foreclosure. You have 90 days to vacate the premises. This apartment sucks. The kids don't want to see you anymore. We have to let you go. Your benefits will only last 6 months. I'm sorry but we need proof you've been trying to find employment. What have I become? Welcome to Jack in the Box. You still have to pay child support. Your rent is 3 months late. We charge by the week. Yeah this needle is clean. The bail is set for $1000. Sorry we cant treat you without insurance. Hey, I think you took too much... (less)
Crickets everywhere. You can hear them at night but you never actually see them. An invisible midnight choir.
We sat there sipping on gin and juice, half drunk and smiling like fools, listening to the crickets.
Neither of us had said anything for a while.
(more) "Do you ever feel like your heart's about to stop? And the only thing you can do to stop is hold your breath for as long as possible."
"That sounds like a medical condition."
"Not like that idiot!"
She kicks me playfully and lights another cigarette, I have never gotten tired of watching those legs move, even in violence against me.
"Sometimes... I don't know... never mind."
"No, no. I'm sorry"
"It's just that sitting here, listening to the night, you feel so small, and it just makes me so anxious, and I have to hold my breath to slow myself down."
"Still sounds like a medical condition, although one for a different kind of doctor."
She gets up and goes inside, throwing her cigarette away as she does. I sit there alone, sipping my drink, and debate if I should apologize. I light another cigarette and listen to the crickets. Suddenly, by myself they seem too loud, I am overwhelmed and remember reading that the United Nations estimated there 19 billion chickens on Earth.
This frightens me and I hold my breath to calm down.
She was mostly right. I light another cigarette and hold in each drag of smoke for as long as I can. I become lightheaded, and it makes the stars more swirly.
I realize its moments like this why relationships don't usually work out.
I am okay with everything. (less)
That feeling that everything is just around the corner constantly nagging at you. Sometimes you wait for it, sometimes you chase after it, never finding it it disappears like a shadow in the light.
There are glimmers of hope, like you might catch it, whatever it is, that today will(more) be your day but like always it is never found. We run through the streets together, hand in hand, and I think, this is it I've found it. This is what I've been looking for. We stop in closed doorway and kiss feverishly, you bite my tongue till it bleeds and we both taste the hot blood as it spills.
Then like everything else it dries, goes crusty, you've taken my words and left. So I chase again. Always around the corner. Only now it has become more silent, more subdued. There's less now too, but still some.
Enough. There is always enough, (less)
Things get sticky. Feeling around the room with my eyes, avoiding the puddled humanity which has let itself go, wondering where all the fireflies have gone.
I put my hand in some beer and search around for a bar napkin, always out of reach. How am I supposed to write m(more)y number down? Tearing a page from my book, wish I hadn't done that, its going to bug me now, I scrawl ten numbers down and slide it to you.
False pretensions. I wish I could have found a bar napkin.
Nothing to find here but human misery covered in alcohol. Leaving I light my last cigarette, start walking, then hand it to the bum who asks for a smoke. I hope I have more at home.
Everything is sticky here. I wish I would have found that napkin. (less)