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when some wonder whose arms they would fall into
if surrounded by all the people they've ever loved
i reject the idea.

i don't love them anymore.
i have a
razor-sharp touch.
i could
cut you out of my life with the precision of a
tenured surgeon and
i have. (more)
cognizance comes to me only in the dead of night,
like an illicit lover afraid to be seen,
and it is to the darkness that i pour my secrets---
my fears, my hopes, my dreams,
and he distorts them,
and robs me of everything but my doubt. (more)
you were always in my periphery
something i could easily reach out my hand and hold on to,
so i never worried about having to let you go
but then years roll on
and the sky has changed more times than i can begin to name
and it ha(more)
you put down the brush and the palette
when mother said 'starving artist' was not a title any daughter of hers would hold
and so you spent more time doodling on legal briefs than writing dissertations
smudging your way through law school the way you used to do o(more)
i am stuck in a rut
day in day out
all i can think is
if i can get out of bed
then everything will be okay
and the lies appease me for a while (more)
the fear consumes me from top to bottom
and demons encircle me
some imagined, some real
but i can't get out of the hell
because i am my own worst enemy
they say "do what gives you joy"
but that mantra has flown out the window

why have joy when you can have seven AP classes
and a .4 gpa boost
in my eyes, my life is a disappointment.
it is not because i have wasted my high school career by partying and drinking, or that i devoted three years to a boy only to have him break my heart.
i am disconcerted because i never had the opportunity to(more)
i don't wear half the things in my clothes drawer.
they are mere mementos of a time that could have been, things that i have no use for but cannot bear to throw away.
i cannot give up the past. i am the perpetual five year old, the girl(more)
the instant you know
it is already too late
nothing you can do
my biggest fear is that i'll become like my mother. stuck behind in the glory days thirty years prior instead of living in the moment.
sometimes i fear, i am already her---thinking about times when everything wasn't so difficult, childhood, times before my biggest problems were a c o(more)
when you try too hard to be something
to be someone you're not
it makes you as fake as the people you mock
hiding naivete behind a pretentious aura
makes you as vapid as the rest of them
a book filled with gibberish (more)
i look into your eyes, and all i can think is:
is it my eyes, too large for my face?
is it my hair, not sleek and sheen but frizzy and wild?
is it my arms, too spindly to be deemed a nice skinny?
is it my skin, not(more)
i used to have a document on my computer entitled "please read this when i'm dead." i toed the line between life and death, never committing to either, just like i could never really commit a boy i liked, but part of me wondered if anyone would  ever comment on(more)