I put the record in
Plugged my headphones
Set the volume to full
I lay my head back to my pillow
Rested my body on the unkempt sheets
Listening in silence
(more) For the last few moments
I revel the stillness
I savored the quiet
As the sound blaring
from the unworn earpiece dares to break in
The music tries to shatter
the wall engulfing me to solitude
Slowly I drew the music to my ears
Breathe in deeply
Hoping you would pull me out
Before I drown myself in a reverie (less)
Too caught in the web of reality
Too distraught by the threats of uncertainty
I lie awake on my bed
Hoping that everything
is not what it really seems to be
My dreams of fantasy would suck me in
Into the world where I am the heroine
Not just a princess waiting
For her knight in shining armor.
I am whisked away to a land of color
Of mysteries and all sorts of magic
With creature only my mind has seen
And scenes only I could relive.
And maybe I could go back
When visions like these
And thoughts and fantasies are
Just born out of a creative mind.
And the images that plays in my head
Are creations of the imagination
that have gone wild.
And none of those thoughts could trap me
Into wishing something I could never be.
And none of those images could mock me
With the things I should have been.
I lay my head in silence.
As the delusions continue to haunt me.
When was the last time? I could no longer recall. I am starting to believe that I have turned asexual due to the extremely high standards I set for the person I will fancy. Tall, good looking, highly talented, artistically inclined, musically inclined, above average IQ - the list(more) goes on.
For a person with low self-esteem and features opposite of that standard of beauty, I guess hindering oneself from any romantically linked emotion is for the best. Never get smitten. Less heartbreaks. Fewer blows to the ego.
"Avoid those giddy feelings," I keep telling myself. "None of those thoughts. I need to keep myself away from those ideas. Busy myself with tasks from the University."
Calm, collected - I think the mantra works. Quietly, I trotted along the halls of the library.
"Focus. Keep your thoughts on the homework."
As I set my eyes on a table. The hands started to numb, my pen bathing in sweat. I paused, catching quick short breaths. Then, my feet forged ahead.
"What to say? How to ask?"
"Can I borrow... Do you have... no."
I was only a few steps away. Unexpectedly, his head moves up and turns to my direction.
"Is that the best you got? A good-for-nothing-bungling-bimbo whose only tolerant friend is a bottle of tequila?"
Her eyes brimmed with tears. Her fist clenched so tightly that her crimson painted nails seem to bore through her skin. . She was mad, no, furious. More importantly, she was(more) hurt. She felt cheated. I rather kept my mouth shut.
"I didn't argue with you whenever you meddle with my constant partying. damn it, you're not even my mother! But I cared enough to listen to your constant homily."
She was all over the place, pulling her clothes out of the racks, grabbing every single piece of her possessions out of the room we shared for five years.
"I never asked for anything in return..," she paused. "All I needed was the same compassion, the same care and understanding that I tried to show."
She crumbled down sobbing incessantly. I should have rushed to her side, made amends and comforted her, tell her that everything will be alright.
But after a few minutes, she stood up and stormed out the door. I never thought I could see her again after that.
I choked her. I crushed her in my arms. She only tried to pull away.
I am just a friend, was a friend. I should have been a friend.
Who would have known how much damage that night could cause? Who would have known that I would take away the chance for her to start a life? Who would have known that I would end up taking away her life?
The damage was done. I never had the strength to patch things up.