in the corner of her mind
there's a shadow on the wall
stretched, but timid, cowering in fear.
but too dark to really disappear
a stain in our perfect world.
(more) stoic, still, huddled down,
the shadow will not move
a memory of the distant past
silent for so long, but still around
he's one of the ones that'll last
to her adulthood
and we hate him for that
and we pity him for that
he won't come out to play with us,
(the other memories here,)
but soon she'll drag him out to light
and see what he once was
and then we will know this man
hidden in a corner
the secrets that he possesses
and the trials she's trying to forget (less)
The mist was everywhere- we couldn't see a thing beyond our noses, gray fog obscuring even our hands when held out in front of us. There was a white noise around us, a fuzziness to my mind, to her voice, to the lines of my body.
I don't know(more) how long we had been walking. It felt like minutes, but when I thought back to it I realized it must have been hours.
"Where are we?"
"Mellie, I'm scared."
"I want to leave."
"Why are we here?"
I sighed, running a hand that I couldn't see though hair that I could only feel. "Sarah. Please, shut up."
She sniveled, and I heard a wet noise. I assumed her sleeve was running across her upper lip.
"I'm really, really scared."
My heart melted a little, and I stopped. She jerked to a halt, pulled back by my hand.
"Wanna ride on my shoulders?"
She was quiet for a moment, then- "Yeah."
She held tightly to my hand, and I twirled so that when she walked forward, she'd be- hopefully- walking straight to my back. A moment or two of squabbling, and then I lifted her up, her small arms wrapping around my neck.
"Loosen up a bit."
She loosened her grip.
I glanced around, not that it did much good. "Which way were we walking?"
I felt her shrug.
I blinked back some sudden tears, and began walking again. We'd make it through this gray.
Please, please let us make it through this gray.
Sarah began to sing quietly as we moved forward, sliding through the fog, the static feeling growing more and more.
Please let us make it through this. (less)
stretching on eternally,
encasing us in glass,
(more) needle points and flames flickering up
in the sky, cosmos
breathing across the night until
there was no blue or navy,
only shimmering fires and sparking
waters blanketing the air above us
glowing around the white hole of the moon (less)
It happened in math class- the boy sitting behind me had allergies and was spewing germs all period. I could feel them- the germs- creeping towards me. But they had ten more minutes of travel time and they wouldn't make it from his hands to his desk to my(more) seat to my shirt to me, so I was desperate to leave but I didn't NEED to leave, and so long as I stayed on the edge of my seat I should have been good but
sneezed without covering
and the germs
soaring rocketing through the air before landing on the back of my neck digging burrowing into my skin leaking oozing through the pores and I gasped and my back arched too late too late and i shot out of my desk and ran towards the door into the hall no pass no pass my thigh throbbing from where i hit the teachers desk corner on the way out but that didnt matter because the germs were wiggling into me and i couldnt breathe couldnt breathe parasites parasites parasites would be living inside of me soon and i was flying down the hall towards the girls bathroom i needed water i needed soap i needed to get them off off OFF ME the door banged open and slammed into the wall and before it swung shut i had the water running, cold water cold water coming cold water would kill them freeze them in their tracks but it wouldnt get rid of them i needed them destroyed i needed them boiled off i needed to dump scalding water on my neck over my hair under my skin blistering scrub hard hard hard to fucking destroy them i couldnt see or breathe and THEY WERE NO'T LEAVING (less)
there was no watch that night
no watch no watch no watch
they were supposed to watch and they didnt they didnt
no watch no watch no watch
they were asleep fast asleep i think they were so heavily asleep that they didnt hear the enemy coming they didnt(more) hear the scream of metal as the gates fell they didnt hear the scream of people as they fell they didnt hear the scream of my mother as she fell or my sister as she was taken or my brother as he was stabbed or me as i hid
they werent watching they werent watching they werent watching
but i was i saw every second and now all i can do it watch behind closed eyes open eyes hallucinations and dreams that haunt me day in day out they didnt watch so i have to and i
hate them for it (less)
i get breathless from
a lot of things.
running (wow that wears me out)
walking (yeah maybe i should exercise more)
sitting down (okay now it's getting embarrassing)
laughing (this is my favorite)
(more) crying (least favorite)
talking (i'm surprised i ever have air)
seeing (have you seen the stars around here?)
understanding (man when it clicks it stuns me)
learning (so much to learn so little time)
i guess i am
easy to please
i have really bad lungs) (less)
You need to move on, she says. Forget it and get on with your life.
I smile smile smile at her, pull the covers further around my shoulders. In order to forget, I tell her, I'd have to remember. And no no no I most certainly do not remember.(more) She smiles back, her whispers of praise dribbling down her cheek, soaking into her pillow. I turn around, facing where the wall should be, looking at the blackness before me, a dark static of shadows shadows shadows, jumping around.
We are silent for a minute. Her breathing gets deeper. She is about to drift off. I am not. I can not. Because because because
I do remember because because because
I cannot forget the
hands hands hands all around me on me suffocating me dark dark dark holding me down pinning me to the grounds screams screams screams stopped in my throat pain pain pain and blood blood blood and his laughter laughter laughter and
I slam down a wall that crumbles crumbles crumbles with each breath she takes.
We lay in silence for a few more minutes. As the last of my wall shatters shatters shatters I shatter her silence silence silence with my words.
But if I do remember, I whisper, each word a bomb shaking the house no matter how quietly I speak, the how would I go about forgetting?
She takes in a sharp breath.
You just do, she says. You just... forget.
She falls asleep shortly after.
I do not. I can can can not. (less)
The sky was a pale yellow and a deep purple, both the moon and the sun visible on the horizons. The trees were flooded on one side with buttery glow, the other with an inky glimmer, no shadows in sight, light everywhere, light everywhere.
Ice crystals dangled from the(more) branches, glinting purples and blues and yellows and pinks across the bare skeletons of the trees, flashing, glittering, gleaming, blinding- tossing flecks of color down, too, on the three bodies that lay frozen at the base of the trees, lying on their backs, arms straight out at their sides, palms upwards, fists clenched. The first body, with her mouth cut wide open, the second, with two extra pairs of ears stuck to his head, and the third, clutching two eyes in his other hand, all with their hearts removed and buried in the mud not ten feet away.
The ground, frozen over with pink ice, sealed the three to the ground, trapping them against the cold dirt. In each of their hands, they held a piece of paper. Later, when the police found the bodies, the letters would make national headlines, along with the gruesome images of the three dead.
'Speak, Hear, See Evil,' they read. (less)
Only a devil would think that way; in images of blood and darkness, in words screamed and pleaded, in feelings of pain and sadism.
Only a devil would act that way; cutting skin and grinning while watching it bleed, relishing in terrified screams and pleas for mercy, enjoying the(more) feel of the knife sliding through organs and tissue.
Only a devil would be that way; loving pain, causing fear, killing freely.
I guess I'm a devil. (less)
They were each holding one end of the black bag, the middle drooping dangerously between them, as though the girl inside were laying, carefree, on a hammock, instead of dead. Hundreds of bags were to their left, all the dead laid side by side, blanketed in black. Hundreds of(more) bodies were to their right, sprawled, crossing over each other, bathed in red.
They carried her carefully, steps awkward, bag swinging despite their efforts. They weren't crying- not anymore. After carrying the fifty second child to the left, they realized that it hurt too much to continue to cry- the tears were hotter, the lump in their throat bigger, their hearts heavier, and their bodies shut down, protecting them from the hurt.
They laid her down gently, settling her carefully on the ground, straightening the bag as much as they could without touching her body.
In the bag, she wasn't straight.
They walked back to the right, pulling another bag from the pile in between the two sides, silent, heavy, slow. Their eyes scanned the bodies, searching, again, for motion, hoping, desperate, to see movement- but, yet again, there was nothing. They dropped their eyes again, walking towards the closest body, now nearly fifty feet away.
They were the only ones moving. (less)
they were flashing brightly
little red and yellow and white spots
flickering in front of my eyes
i moaned and clutched my jaw
holding the ice flush against my face
who knew getting wisdom teeth out hurt this much?
I was in the center of my room, my body folded over on itself, arms wrapped around my legs, head tucked into my knees. There were tears running down my face.
I had been this way for hours, focusing instead on the hole in my chest, on the void(more) in my soul.
Finally, finally, an eternity later, my door opened. I didn't turn to see who it was; Danielle was the only one who had the key to my place, and she was welcome to walk in anytime.
I heard her footsteps approach, slowly, tentatively. "Lia? Lia- I saw. I'm so sorry," she whispered.
I nodded into my legs, biting my lip.
"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. It's just, it was recorded on my DVR, and I forgot until about an hour ago, but I rushed right over after it ended. I really did."
"D-don't talk about it."
She paused for a second. "Okay."
I felt her arms around me, and she pulled me up from the floor. "But, Lia, listen, I hear they signed him on for next season-"
"That doesn't matter! He died, Danielle, he died right before he could actually live again!" My breathing was ragged.
"But he'll come back-"
"They killed him! They killed him! My favorite character... my future husband..."
"You're worrying me."
"You're worrying ME! Why don't you care? Why, Danielle, am I the only one crying?"
"Because you're obsessive and delusional? How long have you been crying?"
I sniffed. "Only about two hours. Maybe three."
"'Only'- no. No. Lia, come on. This isn't healthy."
"He's dead! I can mourn!"
"No. Not to this extent."
"No. Come on. Let's watch season one."
I paused, then wiped at my face."Fine."
And so we went back to a happier time. (less)
My best friend was sitting three desks ahead of me- we were the only students in the school; after all, it was five o'clock on a Tuesday. We were supposed to car pool home.
"wrong wrong right wrong right wrong wrong"
My throat closed in on itself, collapsing so heavily and suddenly I thought the tissue might tear. My stomach was hot, churning, my eyes blurred by my tears.
"wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong"
I could see myself, twenty minutes from now, sitting in my room and crying- but not before then. I couldn't cry before then, not in public.
I won't let them fall i won't let them fall i won't let
Twenty minute car ride five minutes left in the meeting no big deal I can wait I've done it before stay strong stay strong stay strong...
They fell at the end- I was so close, so close, but he asked me to speak and I lifted my head and I looked at my best friend, sitting three desks ahead, and I could feel my face crumple, turn red as the tears rushed out of my eyes and there was a moment of shock but then my teacher got up and grabbed the tissues.
My best friend left quickly, with a look of pity, when the first tear fell.
alone alone alone
And I sat there for an hour, listening to him talk, desperate to leave, to stop crying, to let him go home but I failed again.