I've got to get out of here.
Its 2:15 in the morning and I'm sitting on a couch in the house I grew up in.
Its weird, this is the first time I've ever used that phrase.
Its almost melancholic, certainly sad, and, I think, irrevocably true..
I wan(more)t to go back. Back to where I should be right now.
Back to my own life.
The confines of this house,
Push down on my chest
Take me back, I need to get out of here.
I need to get back to There. (less)
Just before noon on a Sunday.
I should be asleep.
What happened last night?
I try with all my might
(more) On my memory...
But the darkness, the abyss, the void of last night refuses to release its hallowed secrets to me..
I drank too much, my head hurts..
It feels like fireflies are pounding the inside of my skull
Trying to escape or at least to get some light,
for the bioluminecense from their bodies have faded.
Do you know why fireflies create light?
Creating light is a difficult thing to do, especially in such a dark, dark world.
But fireflies bioluminece in order to attract a mate.
Sad to think that the lightning bugs in my head have long since given up...
Though I'm sure that the bugs in my heart are still lit and seeking love..
Which takes me back to last night...
Apparently I told a girl I barely know that I love her.
I don't remember that...
Apparently I broke a wooden beam and fell and everyone laughed..
I don't remember that...
Apparently I had a long conversation on a driveway about myself...
I don't REMEMBER that...... What did i say? What does she know about me? Does she know more about me than I know about myself...?
What a scary thought...
Maybe that is why all the memories are gone
Because come the dawn
I would have wanted every action to be withdrawn,
and finally foregone...
Maybe its a defense mechanism
My brains self-altruism
Which really isn't altruism at all...
Or maybe its just the liquor, simple and plain
That keeps me from knowing my own pain
That contains and constrains
Last night so that i can be sane...
I guess I'll just have to abstain....
I feel estranged all the time even though I've never been there...
I've had one serious girl in my past and we're still close, still friends, we're not estranged.
But I still feel alienated because for some reason I fall in love everyday...
Some days to the same girl,(more) sometimes to someone new but its always a new experience.
And then nothing happens....
Or at least nothing good happens
And thats how my estrangement begins.
The worst part is that I still feel the same way about girls from years and years ago, still awkward and disparate...
So as I get older, the estrangement just builds and builds like a skyscraper....
And I don't doubt that its got a long way to go, because my tower isn't disappearing until love destroys it...
And who knows how far off that is?
The only thing to do is keep looking.
It is a self perpetuating cycle..
But hey, it happens and what can you do?
It was stupid. We didn't belong together. We didn't really click, or work. She was older, but didn't act it.. She was kind. Not much more can be said.
It happened.... Its a mystery. Whenever I fall in love, which is often, mind, I cling so hard to sh(more)e whom I love that I choke her... Or at least thats what I tell myself, maybe I am just never good enough... But this time was different. It was effortless. Nothing has ever come easier than being with this girl who kind of just fell on top of me. Pretty soon the two of us fell in to our routine...
Well the routine went on for longer than it should have. Our relationship was boring and mundane. Not much more can be said about that.
Then it ended.
I wouldn't say I regret it, I made my decisions and they were the best I could've made most of the time, though of course there were a few mistakes here and there.
I suppose that the people we were were not meant to be together.
The only reason I can give now for staying there so long, is that the people we were melted away when we held each other..
That doesn't make it right of course, often solace comes from comfort and the world seems a kinder place with someone always there to support you...
I think that almost makes it worse... (less)
I feel most at peace in water.
Sometimes i go out in the rain and just lay on the ground.
And let the sky water me so i can grow.
I'm not sure what it is about the water that calms me and makes me feel alive
But (more)i think its the feel of it.
The moisture falling on my skin makes me feel something, like i'm more alive than i am when its dry.
Like i'm human.
After all, it rains on everyone.
I'm always thirsty,
because no matter how much water i drink, its not enough rain to make feel comfortable with myself.
So my throat is always dry, begging for more.
At my school we have hydration stations,
Where we go to fill our canteens with water to keep us going through the long desert of self doubt that is high school.
But i never really get my fill.
My soul needs more water than the oasis can provide.
And when you're out in the desert, there is nothing more important than hydrating.
I stand alone
nothing beneath my feet to hold me there.
Darkness all around,but some how shiny like obsidian.
I begin to walk on nothing towards nothing,
but always in a straight line.
If you walk straight through any maze, forrest or field, you'll eventually reach its edge.
So(more) i walk, looking for the edge of this glistening darkness
like the point on an arrowhead from long ago.
But does darkness have a point?
Does it ever end?
Two weeks pass and i'm still walking,
no end to the darkness in sight.
When suddenly, i walk straight into an invisible wall.
My head aches with surprise
I look through the glass,
But i see only more darkness.
I punch at the glass, kick at it, even sing in my highest voice.
The glass remains resolute.
Finally I hurl myself at the wall, and i break through the glass.
Shards of the dark opaque glass fall around me and into me.
I bleed from every limb
From every surface.
But i look around and-
Well i don't want to ruin the surprise.
But trust me, when you break out of your darkness,
you'll be happy i didn't.
And if you already have, don't ruin it.
My only advice is:
The only way out is hard to find,
especially when the dark has made you blind
Harder still, and most hard to explain
Is that you must realize that there will be pain
But do not forget as you yourself fling
At the wall of darkness, which misery brings
That the end has come of the good sir midnight
And you will see a most beautiful light.
I don't jump for joy.
I don't react so that you can see it.
Who are you to know about me
To know my insides?
How my gut started lurching when you said yes
(more) like a ship in the storm of my self doubt.
How my heart started crying when you left the life I knew.
But i didn't cry.
After all, who are you to know my insides?
They say you shouldn't bottle up your emotions,
but who are they?
I stuff my empty Pellegrino bottle
full to the brim with emotions,
and then I send the bottle out to sea
as a message in a bottle
and I leave my calling card
So maybe if some castaway on a desert island
finds my bottle he can pick up his shellphone and give me a call.
And i'd take a ship through any storm to get to him so he could hear my story.
So i'd have someone to talk to.
I'd arrive on the beach and see the man all tattered in rags and say "Thanks for calling. Its nice to know someone cares".
And we'd get back home and drink more Pellegrino.
I like Pellegrino because its like bubbles.
You swallow it and it goes down into your gut
And it sucks up all the storm inside. All the rain.
And when you're all out of bubbles, at least you've got a bottle to send out to sea.
But those bubbles, those bottles, those are for me.
Who are you to know about my insides?
Unless you're a castaway, by the seaside
Looking for a ride
Wind chimes clank
And ruin the blank
Slate that is my mind
When I stand in the wind.
The wind blows like fate
Pushing and shoving as hard as it can in any direction
But never moving me much.
The fresh perspective
Of the collective
Air, Earth, and Us
Like an iron pole
Smacks my stomach, smacks my soul
The universe inside
When I breathe in wind,
The rush of oxygen
Pushes my soul out
And for a second carries it
Wherever it's been
Wherever it's gone
And I forget.
Me to see, to be
Part of the world.
Before my soul is pried
From the sky
Unable to resist
(or, without, exist)
The magnetism my vacated
Like a falling stone to my breast
Where it assumes
I hate windchimes
Their unmelodious clink and clank
Bing and bang and Brrrrrrring
Is swept up on wind's wing
And invades my essence
My universe-air evanesces (less)