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Kristin half-face
The other day I got to thinking about the food-preparation terms we assign to people. Someone who's pickled: drunk. College students' brains are fried--probably in more way than one. Which reminds me of the time the boy I had a crush on told me he was sooo baked, man--and(more)
"Twenty-two? Really?"

"Umm . . . you did ask me to tell you a number, didn't you?"

"Yeah, it's just . . . No on ever picks a number not on the piece of paper."

"You didn't say, pick a number from this list."

Tom Hanks at least had a volleyball.

Well, Tom Hanks had time to fritter--how long can I expect to tread water, really?

Again, I try to put my face in the water and again, faced even by death, I can't do it. The panic kicks in, I(more)
It's been a year of "just a few more":

Just a few more carrots (in place of M&Ms).

Just a few more jump ropes.
When things are going well, the Company's all, "There's no I in 'team'!" When things are hitting the fan, what do I--suddenly there's an I, yes--hear nonstop, in e-mailed memos, in paper memos left on my desk, in the boss walking the long way back to his office so(more)
Word association with "pain": I think "teeth," every time.

My dentist is this sadistic SOB, so you know how I showed him? Married his daughter, the hygienist! Ha! Now he's gotta see my teeth all the time: chompin' on hard candies, biting off beer bottle caps, fulla corn(more)
Day three of the trade show, and I swear I can now feel permanent trails that I've worn into the cement floor behind my card table. All the trails pass through one point, smack-dab center behind the table, that sinks deeper than everything else.
Well, there is one way, but you're not gonna like it.

I know what you're thinking, and naw, man, I'm totally fine with it--it's them who aren't gonna like it.

Heh. I'd say not. (more)
Her grammy used to tease her that they were both as old as the hills--Grammy as old as the world's hills, Misty as old as their suburban housing development's.

The developers had leveled out the uneven land and then, after the ticky-tacky houses were all built and fence(more)
It seems increasingly likely that I really will undertake the expedition that has been preoccupying my imagination now for some days. Not, I am melancholy in saying, because any dreams my mind has been devising this long English winter, of sunlight and warmth beneath my feet, of soft breezes(more)
Self-Improvement Plan

Item #439: Stop with all the regrets.

Words to Avoid: should have, could have, would have, wonder if, what if, if, sorry

Triggers: phone conversations with Mother, e-mail conversations with Mother, letters from Mother, the zoo, weddings, funerals, bat/bar mitzvahs, the chair(more)
"Lollipop Littlejohn!"

Even with my back turned--both literally, to that booming, rasping voice I now heard from down the grocery aisle, and figuratively, from the past from which that voice came--I immediately recognize the speaker.

Not only, or even mostly, because of that nickname--others had twisted(more)
This story is written by a robot.

You can't tell, can you.

Of course you can't! My cousin effin kicked ass on *Jeopardy!*. We're that close to human now.

OK, you say, OK, actually you can now tell this is a robot writing because the story(more)
The only illogical thing was that Cal scored higher than I did on the logic section of the GRE. How? HOW? Howhowhow?

The guy who argued his C in Meyers's class, even though he never turned in any homework, and certainly Meyers had been clear about that requirement.(more)
First I outsourced my taxes. Then my house cleaning and car washing. I take my dog to day care even on the days I work from home, so I can accomplish more. I signed up for the shop-and-delivery service offered by my local grocery store, even though it's open(more)