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Two things make your marriage tolerable: the milkman and Top Pot Doughnuts. Sex and free milk from one, doughnuts from the other. Just don't mix up the sources.

Top Pot Doughnuts. Disobey the commandments.
You dont need to diet to fit into your pants. Just buy bigger pants and a box of Top Pot Doughnuts. Problem solved!

Top Pot Doughnuts. Who wants to live forever anyways?
Smoking is a force of habit. You know what would help you quit? A thick, sugary, fatty doughnut. That's not bad for you at all.

Top Pot Doughnuts. Get you one!
There's no use crying over a dead tree. Why don't you get a tasty Top Pot doughnut instead? They got sprinkles and shit on them.

Top Pot Doughnuts. The best doughnuts in the whole world.
Imagine if there were a Top Pot Doughnuts store in my stomach. The doughnuts could just be born there and save me some legwork.

Top Pot Doughnuts. Get on that shit already, science.
The Pope said it best when he said : "Top Pot Doughnuts are bigger than Jesus." No, but they both have holes in them, and which would you rather eat?

Top Pot Doughnuts. Tastier than Jesus.
If you find yourself stapled to a fat guy, point him towards the nearest Top Pot Doughnut shop. It'll sting, but so long, Tubby.

Top Pot Doughnuts. Like crack, but (slightly) better tasting.
If you've got a bag of heroin, you have a date with a jail cell. But if you also have a bag of Top Pot Doughnuts, you have a way to bribe the cop. And if that doesn't work, you can always blow him.

Top Pot Doughnuts. They(more)
Oh, I get it! Somebody really rubbed two sticks together to come up with this prize winning trigger. What's next? I suggest "Write Something, Goddammit."

Top Pot Doughtnuts. Because Krispy Kreme is for pussies.
A lot can happen in 36 hours. Unless your life is as predictable as mine. In which case, the possibility of being murdered / hit by a bus would be a nice change of pace.

Top Pot Doughtnuts. Because you never know when you're gonna die

I know this is immediately gonna date my article faster than a Unabomber joke, but I was just reading how Usher's 11 year old son is brain dead because some guy hit him with a Jet Ski.

Good for him. (more)
Dropping the topic "Secrets About" to me is like trying to shake down my Jewish side for a quarter. I have many a secret. And I don't tell people what they are. That's what makes them secret, Stupid.

And what are these secrets about? Again, refer to the(more)
Fancy Ray McCloney is the best looking man in comedy. No, really. Check out if you don't believe me.

Honestly, I don't have much for this one. I can't believe I missed the trigger called Sugary. Gee, if only there were a Seattle-based donut chain I could(more)
A moratorium is like an auditorium, only instead of going inside to watch a basketball game, you just sit there and shut your yap about something.

But if one shuts their yap, how might they possibly enjoy a tasty, totally nutritious Top Pot doughnut?

I conducted an(more)
Cheap and loved? Sounds like my last date.

No, not really. My last date was pretty fucking anti-climactic. I accidentally typed "anti-clamactic" but that's pretty accurate too.